Soon after Michael and I were married we had the normal kind of disagreements any couple can have because of differing opinions. There was one time Mike said to me, “Don’t go by your feelings.” He wasn’t being mean when he said this, and I do not remember what the context of the discussion was, but I do remember how I felt. I was offended that he did not care about my feelings, and he was saying that feelings didn’t matter. Of course, taking offence is a sin and that is the error here, but I would like to focus on the topic of feelings this time.
For years I stuck to my guns over what I believed about feelings and their function in our lives. I am referring to how one feels when someone doesn’t see your side of the story, when a decision is made that you don’t like or when you must do something that doesn’t make you feel good. We will not always see eye to eye, decisions will not always go our way and we will often have to do something we do not want to do.
Feelings do have a place. There are good feelings like joy, empathy, excitement, and hope. There are also feelings that tell us that something is not right, like sadness, remorse, weariness, torment, and anxiety. Noticing what we feel helps us understand how we are managing what is going on in our lives, whether it is positive or negative. Feelings are a learned response to our basic emotional triggers, and they can be extremely helpful.
My offended response to Mike saying to me, “don’t go by your feelings,” meant that I wanted him to agree with me, I wanted to be validated. It is possible that both our opinions at that time had merit, but because of negative experiences in my life, I thought Mike believed my opinions did not rate as highly as his. This, of course, was not true.
I do not remember the whole context of that conversation so that is as far as I can unpack it. However, I understand myself far more now than I did 37 years ago. I gave my feelings authority to make decisions, choose my responses and help get my own way when I needed it.
Over the years the Lord has helped me to step out and trust Him to do things I wouldn’t otherwise do. I have served when I don’t feel like it, tried new things even when I felt fearful. But now he is showing me something that will free me even more.
I often wonder why I do not always like or enjoy what I do. I have considered not doing those things anymore but do not necessarily feel that it is what God is saying. What I think is happening is that I am still letting my feelings dictate, I give them too much attention. Instead of focusing on others more than myself I make too much room for how I feel. There is merit in ignoring our feelings at times and I am doing that more now, particularly when they are getting in the way of what God wants me to do.
I have been talking to the Lord about all this and He is saying that my feelings may be holding me back from doing what He wants me to do. God is so amazingly patient and compassionate. He is preparing me to do things I would normally shy away from or refuse. But because He knows best and wants me to fulfill the calling on my life, He is helping me overcome the truth about feelings.
I now agree with my husband, that we should not go by our feelings because our feelings are unreliable! This is not something we need to get offended by at all! Our feelings were formed from emotions we gained from good and bad experiences. When feelings develop from good experiences, we have no trouble wanting to repeat the experience, because we FEEL good about it. The problem comes when one bad event taints how we FEEL about future events, making us believe that the bad one will repeat itself. Feelings can be very unreliable.
Going by our feelings all the time may indicate we are unable to function the way the Bible instructs; to put God first, others next and ourselves last. If we are putting ourselves first, we are doing this because we are hurting and feeling the need to protect ourselves to feel safe. This is not God’s will for us, and we may be preventing Him from protecting and providing for us.
We don’t always feel like praising and serving our Lord but that does not mean we shouldn’t do it. Have you noticed that praise and worship changes how you feel? This is a big confirmation that feelings are unreliable, and that circumstance and choices can change them.
We need to be careful that we do not allow our feelings to lead us in our choices and decision making. Feeling good about doing something does not always indicate that it is the right thing to do. We all need to work, to have an income so we can eat, have a roof over our heads and pay our bills, but we won’t always want to go to work, sometimes we may not like the job we are in, but we cannot let our feelings dictate.
Ephesians 6:7 NLT Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
Our feelings often dictate how we spend our money, what we watch on Netflix, how we help or treat others, what church we go to and more.
Romans 6:16 NLT Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.
Let’s not be slaves to our feelings and allow them to dictate how and when we serve God. Let’s be fully obedient to Him whether we feel like it or not. I believe joy and satisfaction will come as we set our hearts to please Him and serve wholeheartedly.
The bible tells us to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ [2 Cor 10:5]. Thoughts and feelings are connected, so we need to take our feelings captive and make them obedient to Christ too.
We are no longer slaves to sin and death because of Jesus’ sacrifice for us, but we are now slaves to Him. Being a slave to Christ is complete freedom. Jesus is not a harsh taskmaster, but quite the opposite. He gave His life away for us and so we are asked to joyfully give away ours for Him.
If Jesus went by His feelings, we would still be bound in sin and destined for eternal death. He asked His Father if He could take the cup of suffering away [referring to the cross] but then He said, “Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” [Luke 22:42]
Jesus knows the struggles of the mind and unreliable feelings. He had to resist the enemy when he was tempted in the wilderness. The enemy always plays on our feelings and uses them to lead us away from doing what is best for us.
Jesus is our model; we should copy Him and deal with our thoughts, feelings and lies of the enemy the way He did. He declared scripture directly to the enemy. This is the perfect weapon for dealing with our negative or unhelpful feelings and thoughts too.
James 4:7 NLT So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
So, if our feelings are unreliable because our past negative emotions dictate them for the future, can we change them? Yes, I believe so! Some feelings are good and helpful, but we need help with the negative feelings that detract from our lives. I fully believe that God will help us change these if we are willing to surrender them to Him.
Sometimes all you need to do is to give your feelings to God, do what He tells you to do, and your feelings will change as you obey. Just get on and do it. But if you try that and continue to struggle, you may need prayer to break off the stronghold that is preventing you from moving forward.
It is important to note, that if you continue to allow your feelings to lead you, and in doing so you disobey God, this is rebellion. In this case, you need to repent, surrender to God, and get prayer with a pastor or good friend.
There will be things that God will ask you to do that make you feel good, but don’t let how you feel stop you from doing God’s will, because feelings are unreliable.